Dating in Med School: Should You Do It?

I once saw this “medical school inspiration” photo on Instagram and it really troubled me; since then, I’ve been wanting to do a blog post about romance in medical school.

I know this concept of “study now, love can wait” is supposed to motivate us to really focus on work and medical school, but I wholeheartedly disagree. The following is my personal opinion; this is what I think and what has worked for me, and I hope anyone who has any thoughts will comment so we can start a discussion and maybe inspire others.

Here’s the breakdown of today’s post:

• Should I date in med school?
• FAQs from Instagram
• Special guest insight from @medico.lifestyle!

Let me begin by saying that love shouldn’t have to wait. Medical school and residency are both huge undertakings and definitely need focus, determination, and a large chunk of our souls, but that doesn’t mean that we should sacrifice our youth, our hearts and our life.

My mom was the one who really hammered this home for me. She would constantly say that I shouldn’t put my life on hold for the 10ish years that it’ll take to finish my studies&residency, because life and time don’t stop. Here are some reasons why it doesn’t make sense to put your love life on hold:

1. From a practical standpoint, once you graduate and finish everything, you’d still have to find “the one” before you can move in, get married, have kids, travel the world. Wouldn’t it be easier if you multi-tasked and left yourself open to finding a mate while you were studying, and once finished with schooling, you could get started with those next steps right away?
2. Furthermore, a good partner can actually help you cope with the stresses of medical school. A shoulder to cry on, a rock to lean on, someone to help you motivate you when you’re too exhausted to do it yourself or to relax with when you have that precious time off.
3. Humans are social creatures, and most of us need human companionship. In med school it can be tough to find time to socialize, but seeing a boyfriend/girlfriend regularly can help provide the companionship we need, without having to plan around friends’ lives.

Another popular “medspo” quote I’ve seen is: “I want to be a Dr., not a Mrs.” Why choose? Why not be both?

So now that we’ve determined that YES, dating & med school are definitely a match, let’s move onto Part II. First, a quick note about my love life: I’ve been with my boyfriend since first year of medical school (we met here and study at the same university), and we moved in together soon after we met.

Alright, let’s look at some of the most frequently asked questions:

1. How to stay focused but still maintain relationships? 
   It can be hard to make time for each other, especially during exams. These are some of the things that I’ve done before to balance love and studying:
   • Schedule together time: this is the most important. In the beginning of the semester, we schedule weekly date nights. Nothing fancy, just some out-of-the-apartment activity  (blind dinner, museum visit, movies). When school got too busy, we would always make sure to spend at least 30 minutes together, just us two, before bed — we usually watched one 20-minute sitcom episode and just talk for a bit before sleeping.
   • Keep each other updated on what’s happening in your life: I always share almost everything that happens to me during the day; we send Facebook messages during the day and he knows my life inside out, as I know his.
   • Try studying together/at the same place: we spend a lot of time at the library, and we often take coffee breaks or eat lunch together. That way, we both can focus on our studies, but we see each other for the meals.
2. How to not let the stress and negative emotions impact each other? How to not get overwhelmed?
   • Healthy coping mechanisms: This is really tough. When I’m stressed, I tend to take it out on other people (obviously, not a good coping mechanism). My main advice for this is to work on yourself — trying to find healthy alternatives, such as exercising, meditating, what have you. Ask for their support in helping you work on these, and you’ll both be better off for it.
   • Alternating support: I don’t know if this is usual or not, but we would alternate being the “nurturing” supportive figure in the relationship. Depending on who had the “bigger” exam, the other would be extra patient, extra helpful and understanding; then, the roles were reversed, and on it went. This usually worked really well.
   • Ask for help: ask your girlfriend/boyfriend to tutor or quiz you. Figure out if you can study together, and if yes, then you can help each other when your partner is extra stressed.
3. How to find love in med school? There’s no one answer to that, but I can give some ideas of how to look for it:
   • Go to the orientation events. Chances are that no one knows anyone, so it’s a great way to meet new people.
   • Try to study in public places: libraries, cafes. If that works for you, it’s a good way to connect with other medical students (as well as non-medical people).
   • Attend lectures: sometimes I go to lectures because I miss being around people — silly as it sounds, if I’m listening to lectures online all the time, I can get kind of lonely.
   • Try a dating app: a few of my friends met their fiancé(e)s on dating apps; granted, they weren’t med students, but dating apps can work. If your semester hasn’t become too busy yet, it might be a nice way to meet people. My advice would be screen them early, and not waste a lot of effort chatting online because it can be time-consuming. Meet someone that interests you close to wherever you’re studying that day, and schedule your “dates” to fit into a study break.

The purpose of this post is really to encourage people not to close themselves off from love for the sake of school or studies, regardless of the discipline. Life is short, and you shouldn’t hit pause for x number of years while you “pursue your career.” The important thing is to find a worthy partner who lifts you up, pushes you when you need it, supports you through the tough times, and tells you “I told you so” when it’s justifiable. 😉

And now, I’d like to introduce a special guest:

I’d like to welcome a couple that has been through thick and thin: please take a moment to read the advice and insight of E&J, the couple behind one of my favorite Instagram pages, @medico.lifestyle!

“We have been together 10 years and we are about to get married next month so dating during med school is something that we didn’t choose, it just happened to us. Personally the companionship that we have been able to give to each other has been a hugely important part of our lives as we have moved into adult life and med school together! Obviously there are times where you may feel like you may want to take the stress out on each other, you always hurt the ones closest to you. However honesty is the policy that works best for us, we tell each other everything ALL THE TIME! It may sound crazy but we are messaging all throughout the day, it keeps us connected even if we are too busy to actually spend time together. As our lives are study study study then we make a real effort to study together, either at home, the library or out in cafes. It means we can spend time together and not sacrifice our grades. This year we aim to schedule more time for leisure activities together such as weekends away, cycling and trips out (not medicine related). There is always room for improvement from both sides to make life happier and healthier for both of us! If you would like to see more of us and how we make it work you can follow our journey on @medico.lifestyle.”

Finally, here’s a new motivational picture for you:

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